STARTS THE 37 PROYECT. * 1 PAINTING PER WEEK

4:20 2012 hello this is a follow up, of charlie mendez from the first to the last post. my name is JUAN CARLOS MENDEZ most friends and family knows me as CHARLIE i got the nick name LOKO and i have a beautiful proyect with BRAD CHARLTON called TATTOO MACHETE . i am 37 years old burn in TRUJILLO, PERU grew up in MEXICO CITY,MEXICO i live in minneapolis minnesota since 2005 october. i cant erase the oldest post, because they dont belong to me, they belong to a juan carlos mendez areu that drinks and in hard situations use drugs as a scape,. the person that is writing today , has real expectations on this life,witch is provide comfort and shelter to aSOLIN SANTIAGO and LUCIO LUNA , provide no worries to my friends and family. i have almost one year without alcohol, ALCOHOL is the last icon i used to use as a conduct to deal with frustration and sadness. is been a few times in the past 11 months that i feel sad and lonely,i accept it and i understand the reason why i feel sometimes like that, but without alcohol, i dont make my sadness bigger, stays the way they are.. far away sadness, that now are getting far and far from me. i read the last post, they are full of love and pain, they are a beautiful prove of a soul having the desire to stop feeling guilty, and not even with my great heart,and my fantastic skill of GIVIN i could not reach real thoughts,stronger ones,. just for feeling guilty for use alcohol. my mother died may 7 of 1991 and i got drunk and passed out one night before may 6 1991. for 21 years i thought i deserve to be punished for failing the word i gave to my mother that i never would drink under age.atleast. and because of that i thought for 21 years i deserve to suffer , and always i found the way to feel guilty for one or other reason., i always thought i never would be able to stop drinking.my mom died and i saw her a few seconds before that. she saw me too. my soul melted in front her. for 21 years i thought that was my punishment. untill i was brave enough to stop drinking and start understanding my past and my happenings. i remember i knew i was going to feel bad for drinking, but i did with the knowledge that i will have struggles because of that. if i would not drink one night before may 7th maybe i will be still drinking with no end. knowing that " IS NOT GOOD OR BAD WHAT U DO, IS THE WAY YOU DO IT". i knew i was doing something wrong but i knew too i had too. now i dont feel guilty anymore, i feel happy i saw my mother in her last seconds of life, i think the most important ones. and i catch them. that makes me happy. now i know why i drank, if i would not, i would not crossed the roof of the hospital on may 7th to go see my mom. i did it because of my guilty feeling. and like that i crossed so many borders and passed so critical situations trough guilty feeling that pushed me to be better than i think i am. but i know if i would not drink may 6th, i would not see my mom., and eventually i will ended drinking if not on highskull maybe on college or when i started working on bars as bartender. finally i see it,. there is no mistake., i stop drink because is time is time to let JUAN CARLOS show the real deal i am. with love and understanding,compassion i try to live my life without excuses , i want to see the way u get mad at me when i do something you dont like, and i will tell you how much you love me. if u do something that hurts me,i feel compassion and maybe i dont see it, but i understand there is a reason to feel that., if is my fault i will face it and take it back, and if is not my fault i will help you to understand i didnt do anything to hurt you.maybe i can feel upset with you but with love i will help you to understand or TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY LIFE. C/S:. i dont feel guilty anymore to get drunk on may 6th,. and because of that I CAN STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL. i understand with love and compassion why i drank and i am thankful for making my pain comfortable,and now is time to let CHARLIE LOKO MENDEZ MACHETE with alcohol to go sleep, and i can check the front . ME. THE CHARLIE MENDEZ that doesnt drink alcohol. P/V:.