i see too.

is been so long since i saw both of you,is been so long since i wrote in this blog, is been so long since you and i played in the grass enjoying the sun ,running,smiling,screaming, taking pictures,exploring,is been so long since i use to have all those things, and i been punished for something i didn't , and the way i been punished is not right, and i see that for the situation i am now, i should be providing bad energy,bad toughs and i should be unhappy, but i'm not!!! and i am just watching everything,in the middle of my madness and the natural things around me, like the wind,fire,earth,watter., i am in the middle and i see different,i don't hate people i hate actions and bad behavior, i should see more my monkeys, that is for sure, i should spend more time with them, i miss them so hard,this have to stop, they have to come back to me so i can keep being their rad dad, because i always worked hard to being a rad/dad , i wish i have them more in my days and in my nites, i think about my solin and my lucio, my lil monkeys,every day in the morning i think about both of you, in my dreams are both of you,in my goals, are both of you, in my heart are both of you,i love you solin santiago, i love you lucio luna, there is something in the middle of nowhere, waiting to be see it, waiting to be taken,is time for the external reflection of my spiritual feelings.
trying to be stable i saw my self going without direction, now i don't try to be stable, i accept that my life needs more dicipline,and then doing some exercises i feel more stable without trying to be,is different in a good way.
today is the day i got horchata for solin, november 27 of 2010, 2+7= 9 solin's b-day is januay 9, so in some how today is an important day and i feel conected,this is the year of the tiger and i am alsmot to reborn in this year, i understud that good thing start happening in my life since the first second of life in the year of the tiger, my year, this is my story of my life,and my two sons, Solin Santiago Mendez Duffy and Lucio Luna Mendez Duffy.
i know who i am, and where i comming from, will never for get it.
is time to change what is wrong, is time to see in between your madness and you reality, in the middle is located more understanding than any other place.
with love for solin and lucio...my sun and my moon.
familia primero:.c/s:.p/v:.

you guys

Just made me feel I wanna be there with you guys

fast car

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way
tracy chapman:
song: fast car.


at this point of my mind is clean,clear
more toughs come in to me,
and i realize piece by piece the mistakes
i have done,in this moment of my life
where i don't feel nothing
the only point of light i see
is solin and lucio,
i respect now the way you protect
our children's.
i would do exactly the same as you,
i will protect them.
so now i understand why you doing all this
things to me.
is ok, i want to be part of their life's
i want to be their dad
and now been clean made me realize
that solin santiago and lucio luna have the best mother
for them,i can tell good job
for don't let your heart cross the line of duty
for the safest of our kids.
i don't feel sorry for anything that
i made, because if this would not happened
i will keep this weakness in my soul
i in the process of healing my heart
so i can provide stronger love
and stronger toughs to them.
i Lil bit of self love and discipline
is not an excuse my behavior
but we know it was the tension
of living in the same house
and i sad to say this
but you forgot about me
you forgot to love me, and you
forgot
you was my best friend,
that made me be who i was
but is not your fault,
it was something i needed
to fix in my soul,
no body know who to work,
and know i feel more solid and prepare
to keep living a healthy life
i feel my heart empty
but clean,with out pain
suffering or regrets.
this thing was meant to be
and i accept it.
forgive me for what i said, forgive me for
what i did. i forgive you for everything
that happened before i don't have to
forgive you for nothing
you have done to me now.
because you have to do it
for them.
than you for make me realize
where i have to be and what i have to
do.

BROKEN

Distant stars
Come in black or red
I've seen their worlds
Inside my head

They connect
With the fall of man
They breathe you in
And dive as deep as they can

There's nothing you can do for them
They are the force between
When the sunlight is arising

There's nothing you can say to him
He is in outer heart
And the space has been broken

It's Broken
Our love
Broken
It's Broken
Our love
Broken

Is it far away in the
Glitter Freeze
Or in our eyes
Every time they meet

It's by the light
Of the plasma screens
We keep switched on
All through the night while we sleep

There's nothing you can do for them
They are the force between
When the sunlight is arising

There's nothing you can say to her
I am without a heart
And the space has been broken

It's broken
Our Love
Broken
It's broken
Our Love
Broken
It's broken
Our Love
Broken
It's broken
Our Love
Broken
gorillaz:
plastic beach:
BROKEN:


when things happend and the planets and stars move in directions human kind cant
understand, the most healthyest way to become better is letting that happend.
happines in my heart, empty but ready to get fill full!!!
this year the planet sits in sagitarius constellation, is my year!!!
sagitaruis rule the world!!!

from sadness to angryness, from angryness to lovelyness

this is what happened to me,
in my heart , in my place, in my lonelyness
the only person i see is my self,
the only person who is never going to leave me alone
is my self, the only person who can
make me be stronger is my self.
i see my last life,
i see my mistakes , i could not
deal with dislove, and abandonation
but weeks ago, i thought it was your
dislove against my self and abandonation
from you to me, but i just realice that it was
dislove from me to my self,
i i forgot about me, that is what happened
to me, i wish things could become easier for us,
i understand more now,that i accepted more
things , i wish things will be diferent,
i hope so.
no matter what i will be
better this time, because i deserve to be better
for solin and lucio,
this little ones that are super cute
and super cool kids.
thank you for made me part of your life.
i going to respect that for ever
even if you and i are not together.
thank you for give me one amazing dad and one
amazing mother for 5 years.
now i dont complaining for not to have them.
now im glad even if they are not my
parents they are alive.
and my kids still have grams and gramps:.
that is awsome.
i miss them but i dont suffer them,
they are a great grand parents
leaving my old feelings from my soul
makes me feel free, free from
somekind of nature that just
made be out of my self,
and hurt me deep inside.
thank you for make
solin and lucio amazing lil mans,
and i gonna work hard to help you always
and i want to be part of their lifes.
im sorry for everything that happend
i feel very sorry and happy too.
happy to been able to see my self,
happy to figure things that i did not.
i dont feel sad anymore.

SI TU NO ESTAS AQUI.

No quiero estar sin ti
Si tu no estas aquí me sobra el aire
No quiero estar asi
Si tú no estas la gente se hace nadie

Si tú no estas aquí no sé
Que diablos hago amándote
Si tú no estas aquí sabras
Que dios no va a entender por que te vas

No quiero estar sin ti
Si tu no estas aquí me falta el sueño
No quiero andar así
Latiendo un corazón sin dueño

Si tú no estas aquí no sé

Derramaré mis sueños
si algun día no te tengo
Lo más grande se hará lo más pequeño
Pasaré un cielo sin estrellas esta vez
Tratando de entender quien hizo un infierno el paraiso
No te vayas nunca porque

No puedo estar sin ti
Si tú no estas aquí me quema el aire

Si tú no estas no sé
Si tú no estas aquí
dedicado a ti:
sin bandera
SI TU NO ESTAS AQUI.

Yo se que sali mucho,y que eso no estaba bien
No estaba bien por que tome mucho, se que
Llegue muy tarde y no hay escusa por eso.
Pero atras de las cortinas de mis actos me senti abandonado
Por ti, me senti perdido en una vida que no era la mia
Y me senti olvidado, los dos jalamos la cuerda en direccion
Opuesta,pero la verdad de las cosas es que tu abandono
Y desamor de dolio tanto que bebi alcohol para llenar un vacio
Muy. Profundo.un vacio que estaba sangrandome,
Desconfianza y enojo me deshubicaron de mi track real.
Ese camino que soliamos caminar juntos,sacrifique mucho en
Mi vida y tu no lo tomaste en cuenta solo te enojo
Mi dolor. Te enojo mi sufrimiento y mi felicidad la cortaste
De raiz.ahora tengo un corazon que late sin dueno,
Un corazon que tenia tanto por ofrecer y ahora
Es solo amor marchito, amor que dolia,curiosamente
Cuando no te tengo me convierto en alguien diferente.
En alguien mejor, es mi naturaleza.
He sufrido tanto por todo esto, pero no es la primera
Vez que sufro asi.y no es la primera vez que me levanto
En pie y evoluciono.para ti tal vez sea un impacto muy grande
Para mi no lo es, se que hacer en estas situaciones,se como
Renacer y convertirme en algo mejor.
Algo que debi aprender desde hace mucho tiempo
Es ser mas valiente en enfrentar el desamor.
Debi de haberte dejado desde hace mucho tiempo,
No debi dejar mi ser cerca de alguien que no
Me ama.
Cometi errores pero almenos soy valiente y caballero
En aceptarlo y en ser mejor persona.
Tal vez tenias tanto que aprender de mi y tus medos e inseguridades
No te permitieron aprender de alguien como yo.
No te conviertas en tu madre. Ella no se tienta
El corazon para cortar cabezas. Lo hiso con
Su propia sangre.te privo de tu abuelita , te estas
Convirtiendo en ella.
No lo deseo para ti, cuidar y proveer no es amor
Es solo diciplina, no estoy tirando mierda es solo la
Verdad, una madre que adopta un hijo
Y ama de verdad no puede dejar de ser madre jamas
De esa persona, entiendo que tu papa
Te defienda pues creo que es la primera vez en su vida
Que se porta como padre,y si para su edad
Tu padre cree que por primera vez en su vida
sirve en tu vida y necesita defenderte atacandome, esta
Bien lo dejo sentirse humano y realizado como padre
Y si para eso necesita cortarme en piezas ofendiendome
Y provocandome para tener la razon de decir que apesto
Esta bien .que lo haga., lo que el no sabe es que
Yo soy mas padre que el, y no lograra nada de mi, lo
Dejo molestarme y picarme como una navaja en el corazon.
Si necesitan esto para sentirce realizos
Ok. Aqui estoy, puedo ver tus ojitos y mi corazon se
Llena de tristeza,por que te xtrano,mucho
Pero ya no te lloro, te rezo para que estes bien
Y encuentres tu propia felicidad.
Dentro de ti, eres buena persona y estoy lleno de admiracion
Por ti de los mas maravilloso recuerdos por ti.
Creo que no tendre una amiga como tu.
Creo que no tendre a nadie como tu.
Estoy triste de ver que talvez termines siendo como tu
Mama. Y en ese caso soy muy feliz de no estar a tu lado
Lejos de ellos eres diferente.
Eres como solin,lucio y yo.
Se que jamas regresas a mi lado
Por que no sientes amor por mi.
Y aun que lo sientas se que tu madre
Te dejaria de hablar asi como
Lo hiso con su propia madre.y
Le tienes tanto miedo a eso.
El dia que no esten estaras sola con tus hijos
Y ellos creceran y se hiran y yo queria
Estar a tu ladito para cuidarte en ese momento.
Personalme.
en mis fiestas el vacio nunca se lleno lo
Hiso peor.ahora lo se
Perdoname con mi corazon que late ahora
A mil por hora por alguien que ya no esta
Aqui.
Juan c.

why?

you forgot the same as i did,