rompiendo el silencio

he pensado en tu sufrimiento y en todo lo que tu vida ha cambiado, me siento muy mal de que ya nada existe entre nosotros, por el simple hecho que tenemos dos hijitos y es tan imposible arreglar almenos tener una relacion pacifica, es triste por que ahora pienso tanto en tu dolor que he provocado, que es tan natural tu reaccion, lo siento mucho,no me justifico ni me excluyo de culpa alguna, se que soy culpable de muchos errores, y los enfrento con lo poco de humildad que aun queda en mi, no estoy acabado, ni destruido, solo estoy solo y eso es peor,extraño a los niños demaciado,espero que puedas superar todo lo que destrui en tu vida, lo siento mucho, yo fui mas debil, yo no pude dividir mis prioridades con mis sentimientos, me perdi cuando vi que te perdi definitivamente,y eso provoco mis errores, y mi insertidumbre,mi vacio y abandono,otra vez mas me vi envuelto en dolor y soledad,si hubiera dividido mis sentimientos y mis obligaciones , se que no hubiera cometido los errores que cometi, pero no podia ver como te me hibas de las manos y eso me acabo.soy otra persona, almenos estoy tratando de serlo. respeto tus actos aun que me destruyan, eso ya no me incunbe a mi, lo que cada uno hace lo recibe 7 veces 7 y es una gratificacion de la vida que no se puede evadir.
amo a nuestros hijitos y quiero ser mejor para ellos, pero solo se puede lograr si tu lo permites.si no lo permites les estas quitando a tus hijos su papa , nada mas por que tu perdiste a tu esposo , crees que ellos deben perderme tambien, y creo que ahi no estas tan correcta,sere lo que sea en tu vida pero nadie mas que tu sabe que siempre te he hablado con la verdad.
aun estamos a tiempo de terminar este mnatrimonio en paz, y crecer de nuestras perdidas. eso es lo que nos hace ser mejores.
tienes una oportunidad de mostrar que eres mejor que esto,reacciona con humildad y amor.lo siento mucho ni siquiera has de leer esto, lo se. :(

entiendo que estoy perdiendo todo y no me estoy quejando.

aqui estoy, ahogandome, no me deja respirar
no me deja ni llorar, aveces puedo reir
pero es solo por mi naturaleza.
rio con un nudo en la garganta,
el dolor de pensar en ustedes dos
el dolor de la ausencia de mis hijos.
no han llamado en 3 dias,
como puedes creer que estas haciendo bien, como sea lo que sea, soy un hombre,
un hombre que ama a sus hijitos
me estas castigando por que
no te diste a amar,mas de lo que mas pude ofrecerte
claro que te deje de amar, pero
nunca seria capaz de lastimarte asi
jugaste con mis ideas,
me hiciste creer cosas que no existen,
no te estoy pidiendo misericordia
ni perdon
no te esoty pidiendo nada
solo necesito expresar como me siento
y que lo provoca, me estan quitando mis hijitos poco a poco
me estan atando las manos y los pies
mas y mas, me amordazas la boca
pero mis pensamientos son mas grandes que
las palabras y siempre son
escuchados, disfruta esto que me estas haciendo
por que no va a volver a pasar jamas
yo soy la exepcion y en mi terminara todo
te perdono por que no sabes lo que estas haciendo,
no tienes idea de lo que estas cargando en tus hombros
al destruirme, mis palabras se haran verdad
y en el infinito cuando ya no este mas a tu alcance
vere como tu cara se cae de verguenza cuando te te realicez en una realidad que
no era la que pensabas,y tus errores se
presentaran ante ti uno tras otro
y vere con una mano en la sintura y otra en el culo
como te desmoronas poco por
tus mismos actos, tus realidades se juntaran
y colapsaran tus emociones con tus decepciones
y veraz como una pelicula en blanco y negro
como te dejaste llevar mas por tus decepciones y no por tus
emociones, tus decepciones
no eran suficientes para realizar los actos que realizaste,
estare viendo ahi a lo lejos del infinito donde las cosas
se pueden apresiar con una lupa gigantesca.
algun dia ese dia llegara, algun dia, mientras
aqui estoy viendo como poco a poco
las cosas van desapareciendo de mis manos
estoy decepcionado de ti,
siento que aun en esta epoca de nuestras vidas aun me he comportado
como un caballero y he jugado tus guegos y reglas
eres una persona ingreida,y vanidosa
orgullosa y muy inteligente, cuando eras real
y autentica sin preocupaciones y con muchos
sueños te veias hermosa.
que las fuerzas del universo te iluminen tu camino
aun queda algo bueno en ti.
lo unico que queria era estar con los bebesitos,ayudarte con child support, y
tratar de llevar una relacion posiva con la mamita d emis hijitos
divorcio no significa odiar
significa ser humildes para reconocer
que no sirve
tu y yo la cagamos
y llevamos entre las patas a lucio y solin
aun estamos a tiempo de solucionarlo
entre nosotros
y ser para ellos lo mejor
que buena madre puedes ser si
los estas privando de su papa, piensa eso ,
no te ciegues, eso es
un plato que no te puedes comer,
sobre aviso no hay engaño.
no se como comunicar contigo,
tu sabes yo no deje el porche asi de mal
arranque los arboles por que
tu arrancaste 2 arboles de mi corazon
solin y lucio.
espero que sepaz lo que estas haciendo
por que yo no se lo que estas haciendo
solo puedo sentir que dara resultados muy feos.
si me cortas la cabeza o no es lo de menos
lo que veo es el propio kharma de tus actos.
y me preocupa por que eres la mama de mis hijos,
ojala y las cosas fueran diferentes y tu y yo almenos podamos
vernos y hablar de los bebes y que pueda ser parte de la vida de ellos
y que pueda ayudarte, pero la realidad es
todo lo opuesto y con tantos gastos
no puedo ayudarte y no puedo hablarte ni nada
entonces es decesperante.
nunca te lastime, nunca te toque.
tu lo sabes. si me drogue fue por que me senti avandonado
y me dolio y fui debil
ahora que no tengo nada,
me arrepiento de mir errores
bien dicen que no se sabe lo que uno tiene hasta que lo pierde,
me has castigado lo suficiente como para hacerme otra persona
alguien que no se droga.
gracias.
aun que no te agradesco que no me dejas ver a mis hijos
ellos fueron lo mejor que he tenido en mi entera vida, la vida con ellos
no se compara con nada de lo que he tenido y tengo ahora ni tendre.
no te estoy pidiendo nada
ni misericordia ni perdon de nada
no te estoy pidiendo que pares
no te estoy pidiendo otra oportunidad
no te estoy pidiendo nada.
solo mi responsabilidad contigo es avisarte que estas haciendo cosas
que no deberias,y te estas metiendo
en campos que aun no conoces
y estas actuando de la manera erronea conmigo.
espero tengas un plan b por si las cosas que estas haciendo
no te salen al final como creiste.
juan carlos
mendez areu.

i see too.

is been so long since i saw both of you,is been so long since i wrote in this blog, is been so long since you and i played in the grass enjoying the sun ,running,smiling,screaming, taking pictures,exploring,is been so long since i use to have all those things, and i been punished for something i didn't , and the way i been punished is not right, and i see that for the situation i am now, i should be providing bad energy,bad toughs and i should be unhappy, but i'm not!!! and i am just watching everything,in the middle of my madness and the natural things around me, like the wind,fire,earth,watter., i am in the middle and i see different,i don't hate people i hate actions and bad behavior, i should see more my monkeys, that is for sure, i should spend more time with them, i miss them so hard,this have to stop, they have to come back to me so i can keep being their rad dad, because i always worked hard to being a rad/dad , i wish i have them more in my days and in my nites, i think about my solin and my lucio, my lil monkeys,every day in the morning i think about both of you, in my dreams are both of you,in my goals, are both of you, in my heart are both of you,i love you solin santiago, i love you lucio luna, there is something in the middle of nowhere, waiting to be see it, waiting to be taken,is time for the external reflection of my spiritual feelings.
trying to be stable i saw my self going without direction, now i don't try to be stable, i accept that my life needs more dicipline,and then doing some exercises i feel more stable without trying to be,is different in a good way.
today is the day i got horchata for solin, november 27 of 2010, 2+7= 9 solin's b-day is januay 9, so in some how today is an important day and i feel conected,this is the year of the tiger and i am alsmot to reborn in this year, i understud that good thing start happening in my life since the first second of life in the year of the tiger, my year, this is my story of my life,and my two sons, Solin Santiago Mendez Duffy and Lucio Luna Mendez Duffy.
i know who i am, and where i comming from, will never for get it.
is time to change what is wrong, is time to see in between your madness and you reality, in the middle is located more understanding than any other place.
with love for solin and lucio...my sun and my moon.
familia primero:.c/s:.p/v:.

you guys

Just made me feel I wanna be there with you guys

fast car

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
And I got a plan to get us out of here
I been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
We won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
I say his body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said somebody's got to take care of him
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so we can fly away
We gotta make a decision
We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And we go cruising to entertain ourselves
You still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a big house and live in the suburbs
You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
I got no plans I ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car
But is it fast enough so you can fly away
You gotta make a decision
You leave tonight or live and die this way
tracy chapman:
song: fast car.


at this point of my mind is clean,clear
more toughs come in to me,
and i realize piece by piece the mistakes
i have done,in this moment of my life
where i don't feel nothing
the only point of light i see
is solin and lucio,
i respect now the way you protect
our children's.
i would do exactly the same as you,
i will protect them.
so now i understand why you doing all this
things to me.
is ok, i want to be part of their life's
i want to be their dad
and now been clean made me realize
that solin santiago and lucio luna have the best mother
for them,i can tell good job
for don't let your heart cross the line of duty
for the safest of our kids.
i don't feel sorry for anything that
i made, because if this would not happened
i will keep this weakness in my soul
i in the process of healing my heart
so i can provide stronger love
and stronger toughs to them.
i Lil bit of self love and discipline
is not an excuse my behavior
but we know it was the tension
of living in the same house
and i sad to say this
but you forgot about me
you forgot to love me, and you
forgot
you was my best friend,
that made me be who i was
but is not your fault,
it was something i needed
to fix in my soul,
no body know who to work,
and know i feel more solid and prepare
to keep living a healthy life
i feel my heart empty
but clean,with out pain
suffering or regrets.
this thing was meant to be
and i accept it.
forgive me for what i said, forgive me for
what i did. i forgive you for everything
that happened before i don't have to
forgive you for nothing
you have done to me now.
because you have to do it
for them.
than you for make me realize
where i have to be and what i have to
do.

BROKEN

Distant stars
Come in black or red
I've seen their worlds
Inside my head

They connect
With the fall of man
They breathe you in
And dive as deep as they can

There's nothing you can do for them
They are the force between
When the sunlight is arising

There's nothing you can say to him
He is in outer heart
And the space has been broken

It's Broken
Our love
Broken
It's Broken
Our love
Broken

Is it far away in the
Glitter Freeze
Or in our eyes
Every time they meet

It's by the light
Of the plasma screens
We keep switched on
All through the night while we sleep

There's nothing you can do for them
They are the force between
When the sunlight is arising

There's nothing you can say to her
I am without a heart
And the space has been broken

It's broken
Our Love
Broken
It's broken
Our Love
Broken
It's broken
Our Love
Broken
It's broken
Our Love
Broken
gorillaz:
plastic beach:
BROKEN:


when things happend and the planets and stars move in directions human kind cant
understand, the most healthyest way to become better is letting that happend.
happines in my heart, empty but ready to get fill full!!!
this year the planet sits in sagitarius constellation, is my year!!!
sagitaruis rule the world!!!

from sadness to angryness, from angryness to lovelyness

this is what happened to me,
in my heart , in my place, in my lonelyness
the only person i see is my self,
the only person who is never going to leave me alone
is my self, the only person who can
make me be stronger is my self.
i see my last life,
i see my mistakes , i could not
deal with dislove, and abandonation
but weeks ago, i thought it was your
dislove against my self and abandonation
from you to me, but i just realice that it was
dislove from me to my self,
i i forgot about me, that is what happened
to me, i wish things could become easier for us,
i understand more now,that i accepted more
things , i wish things will be diferent,
i hope so.
no matter what i will be
better this time, because i deserve to be better
for solin and lucio,
this little ones that are super cute
and super cool kids.
thank you for made me part of your life.
i going to respect that for ever
even if you and i are not together.
thank you for give me one amazing dad and one
amazing mother for 5 years.
now i dont complaining for not to have them.
now im glad even if they are not my
parents they are alive.
and my kids still have grams and gramps:.
that is awsome.
i miss them but i dont suffer them,
they are a great grand parents
leaving my old feelings from my soul
makes me feel free, free from
somekind of nature that just
made be out of my self,
and hurt me deep inside.
thank you for make
solin and lucio amazing lil mans,
and i gonna work hard to help you always
and i want to be part of their lifes.
im sorry for everything that happend
i feel very sorry and happy too.
happy to been able to see my self,
happy to figure things that i did not.
i dont feel sad anymore.