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Well-meaning friends and family
Oddly enough, some of the people nearest and dearest to you are part of the problem. This is not to say that they don't have your best interest at heart. They do. They love you. They can't stand to see you in pain. More than anyone, they know you and know how much you deserve happiness in your life. Their caring is genuine. Why then, do I say that your loved ones can be misdirecting you?
The Biased Shoulder
When you share your unhappiness with loved ones, what they hear is your side of the story, and your side only. Even though your feelings about your spouse and marriage are valid, they are, nonetheless, biased. Needless to say, if your spouse were in on the conversation, the story about your marriage would take a not-so-slight different turn. But the people who love you don't care about objectivity; they want you to feel better. Although this makes perfect sense, the end result is that the people in whom you are confiding, offer potentially life-changing advice without a complete set of facts. If you follow that advice, you may create an even bigger rift in your marriage. Let me give you an example of how this works.
Sue was miserable in her marriage. She felt that she and her husband, Jeff, had completely grown apart. Sue decided to talk to her sister, Ann, about her situation. Sue told Ann that she was really upset about how things had changed in her marriage. When she and Jeff got married, she explained, they were crazy about each other. They did everything together, spent hours talking, weekends doing fun things, and sex was great. They were best friends. As Sue recalled these memories, she cried. Ann's heart went out to Sue to see her in such pain. Ann asked Sue to tell her more about what had been troubling her. Through her tears, Sue filled in the blanks.
She said that Jeff had turned into a completely different man from the one she married. He worked a great deal and when he was home, he showed little interest in talking or being with her. On weekends, he occupied himself with projects or watching sports on television. When Sue approached Jeff about her feelings, Jeff responded coldly, "Why are you always hassling me?" Sue tried to get through to Jeff and tell him how much his distance was hurting her, but Jeff seemed to withdraw even more.
Jeff's insensitivity to her feelings made Sue angry and hurt. She stopped cooking for him, doing his laundry, trying to engage him in conversation and even refused his advances to be intimate. In short, things went from bad to worse. Now, instead of just being distant, Jeff had become critical and unpleasant, never passing up an opportunity to say or do something to hurt Sue's feelings. Sue couldn't understand why Jeff had become such a "jerk," especially since all she wanted was a closer relationship.
Upon hearing Sue's rendition of their marital interactions, Ann immediately came to her defense. "I can't believe he's acting this way! This isn't the same Jeff I used to know. What do you think is going on with him?" For the next half-hour, they hypothesized the possible causes of Jeff's ugly behavior- an affair, depression, a mid-life crisis or perhaps just bad genes from his father. Although they were uncertain as to the real reason Jeff had transformed into the unlikable man Sue had portrayed him to be, there was a consensus that Jeff was to blame for Sue's unhappiness. Ann consoled Sue. She hugged her and told her that she "would be there for her anytime she was needed". Ann also offered a few suggestions- counseling, giving Jeff an ultimatum, a trial separation- and Sue said she would consider her ideas. Sue thanked Ann for her support and understanding. She felt so much better.
Sue did follow through with Ann's suggestion to give Jeff an ultimatum. "Either you change, or I'm leaving," she warned him. But Jeff did not change. Her threat angered him and he became even colder. In the weeks that followed, Sue regularly sought comfort in Ann's friendship. Sue complained, Ann commiserated. Although Sue felt validated by Ann's feedback, it did little in the way of helping her find solutions to her marital problems. As time passed and nothing improved, Sue's despair grew, as did Ann's determination to encourage her sister to leave her marriage. "You've tried everything," Ann told her, "It's time to throw in the towel."
From Sue's one-sided story, it's easy to see how Ann arrived at this conclusion. Sue appears to be the spouse who is working on the marriage while Jeff is the inconsiderate, unloving spouse. From Sue's story, one could easily get the impression that she has been wronged for years by Jeff's selfishness. But before you jump to conclusions, let me allow you to eavesdrop on Jeff's conversations with his lifelong buddy, John. Jeff is a very private person and, though he rarely opens up with friends and family, his unhappiness with Sue prompted him to discuss his marriage with John.
He told John that he was frustrated and angry at Sue. All she ever did was nag and nag and nag. Nothing he did ever seemed good enough. She asked for help in the kitchen and when he cleaned it, the only comment he heard was, "I can't believe the way you loaded the dishwasher, it's so sloppy," or "You forgot to wipe off the counters." All Jeff heard was criticism, never appreciation. So, after a while he just stopped trying.
A married man himself, John knew that their relationship problems didn't happen overnight, so he asked about the circumstances leading up to their current situation. Jeff was unclear as to the causes of their problems, but he felt that Sue had bailed out on him as a partner long ago. "When we met, she was fun to be with. We went to sporting events, out to dinner, we socialized with friends, and had common interests. We golfed, played tennis, and biked all the time. We both loved the outdoors." But Sue stopped showing interest in their activities together. She seemed more interested in her job, church activities, friends, talking on the phone and going shopping. Sometimes she would stay on the phone with her girlfriends or her mother the entire evening! "But the biggest change in Sue," Jeff said, "is that she never wants to have sex, and it's been that way for a very long time. That definitely bothers me the most."
Jeff went on to explain how hurt and angry he felt because of Sue's constant rejection. "I don't know what's with her. She used to love sex. We had a great sexual relationship. I always prided myself about how connected we were physically. But now she's never in the mood. She's got a headache, she's mad at me, she's too busy, it's the wrong time of month… It got to the point where there never seemed to be the right time." He told John that Sue's cold shoulder had taken its toll; he felt a low-grade anger whenever he was in her presence. He admitted to being irritable lately and snapping at Sue fairly often. He was hoping that at some point Sue, the woman who used to be his best friend and lover, would, just once, reach out to him and be affectionate. Instead, all he ever got was criticism.
After hearing Jeff's dilemma, John said, "Sounds really tough. Sue used to be so good to you. I wonder what's up with her. Maybe her hormones are running amuck. I heard about some women with hormone imbalances losing interest in sex. You ought to check it out. Sorry to hear you're having problems." Then he suggested that Jeff do something to spice his sex life up a bit. "Get a bottle of wine, buy a sexy nightgown and make her a candlelight dinner. Stay at a nice hotel next weekend. Tell her you want to be closer physically."
A few days later, Jeff approached Sue with the idea of a little romantic weekend getaway. Sue didn't seem too interested. Jeff made a comment about not being intimate anymore and Sue bit his head off. "Of course we're not intimate! You don't expect me to want to have sex with you when our relationship stinks, do you?" Jeff replied, "Have you ever thought about the fact that our relationship stinks because you don't want to have sex anymore?" This chicken-or-egg argument played like a broken record for weeks before the couple decided to split.
Imagine how Ann or John might have reacted differently had they heard "the whole story". Instead of thinking Jeff was a jerk, Ann might have had more compassion. She might have realized that Jeff wasn't the villain Sue made him out to be; that he was feeling rejected and hurt. With this in mind, Ann might have suggested that Sue do things that would help Jeff feel more connected to her such as go biking or hiking together, or being more playful and affectionate. There's no question that Jeff wasn't handling his hurt feelings in the best way, but unfortunately, that often happens in relationships. Instead of sharing openly about feelings of vulnerability, some people lash out. When relationships are working properly, partners are often able to see beyond the anger and address the hurt beneath it. Since Ann was totally in the dark about Jeff's feelings about the marriage, her suggestion- give him an ultimatum- was bound to fail.
Had John heard Sue's side of things, he might have understood that for Sue, the prerequisite for being close physically is emotional closeness and that Sue and Jeff had not been close for some time. He might have suggested that Jeff spend more time talking and paying attention to her, and being her friend. It's easy to see how John's well-meaning advice- spice up your sex life- fell flat on its face.
